Monthly Archives: February 2016

Social Media and Weddings (VS Marriages!)

I have no idea since when the social media has had such an effect on wedding plannings (from the proposal, ROM, traditional wedding, wedding banquet, ​pre-wedding shootings, honeymoon etc). I quite enjoy looking at those pictures that people share, I normally ‘like’ them. Quite often the videos made are really touching.

Last week I attended a wedding dinner. It was a beautiful well-planned dinner, filled with laughter and tears of joy. I had a great night gathered with my high school friends, taking lots of pictures, they even had the services for us to edit and print the photos out on the spot.

On the next day, I was having a dinner date with couple of girl friends after work. During this dinner, I almost shed some tears… Because I came to know that the friend’s husband has a mistress, and this is not the worst part — he doesn’t want a divorce, but he also doesn’t want to leave the woman, and he’s using their daughter to threaten my friend! What the hell?! They were just married for about 2 years (though they had been in a courtship for almost 10 years before the marriage), and I was there on her wedding day and banquet. I can still remember the scene when she was hugging her parents and granny, how it touched me.

Family and friends, close or not, they celebrate your big day with you. They congratulate you and your spouse, hug you, give you their best wishes, tell you how beautiful you look, like your pictures, commented on your videos etc etc.

What happen after that? After all these beautiful pictures and videos posted? What happen behind that? What happen on the next day, next month, next year and decade?

It can be, but it really shouldn’t be about how much you spend on your wedding, how luxurious your wedding seem, how glamorous you and your spouse appear, how many pictures and videos are taken, how many friends and relatives are invited, how big the wedding hall is, how exclusive the decorations are, how many likes & comments you get on facebook etc, it should be how you and your special one, walk through this path we call life, hand in hand, through ups and downs. 

Image taken from web

Image taken from web

Introducing “The Power of Negative Emotion”

How Anger, Guilt and Self Doubt are Essential to Success and Fulfillment

By Todd Kashdan & Robert Biswas-Diener

By Todd Kashdan & Robert Biswas-Diener

I bought this book from Kinokuniya bookstore, KL in September last year (price RM52.50, before 10% off for members). No doubt I picked this book up straightaway after looking at the title, as some of my regular readers would know that I’m not in favour of all those positive psychology, positive thinking, positive attitudes etc kind of approach.

One of the authors (RBD) is actually a positive psychologist – and what? He co-authored a “power of negative emotion” book? If you look through the list of books that he has authored, you will inevitably see either “positive” or “happiness” in most of the titles! So what made him write this book?

The centre point that it brings, I guess, is becoming “whole”. It is similar to ACT’s concepts (accepting the positives, negatives, everything; and make full use of them all), except that it has shown me the benefits of not being mindful and that we don’t necessarily have to be so mindful all the time.

I also like it that it’s evidence-based, many interesting research studies are cited. Despite that, I also realised that it can be biased from time to time, picking out only the points that support their views and not stating the full picture.

Overall I think it’s a good read, I’d say “anything moderate will be good for us” is quite a common sense. Such as eating fruits is good, but eating too much is never good; having stress can help to push you, but too much can collapse you; feeling angry can make you a more assertive person, but too much can cause problems etc. So the book doesn’t provide much of new perspective to me, and maybe to anyone who would pick up this book. Yet it’s a good book, because it makes you think about things you already know, and help (at least a little bit) to become whole.

People who are able to use the whole range of their natural psychological gifts — those folks who are comfortable with being both positive and negative, and can therefore draw from the full range of human emotions — are the healthiest and, often, the most successful. (p. x)

精神药物的角色

摘自马大元医师的<心灵影像的力量>-

精神药物就像救生圈,当一个人掉进水里快要溺死了,这时如果指导他游泳的技巧,绝对是缓不济急。此时,他最需要的,是有人赶紧丢一个救生圈给他,让他尽快脱离溺水的痛苦与危险。

脱离溺水危机之后,这个人痛定思痛,开始下定决心学习游泳。一开始,因为没有信心,仍需一个游泳圈的辅助。等到学会游泳以后,游泳圈就是累赘了。。。你有看过奥运选手戴着游泳圈参加比赛吗?

精神药物的角色也是如此,在你最痛苦,无助的时候,可以提供最即时的协助。危机解除之后,治本之道就是学会情绪调适的技巧。在学习的过程中,游泳圈(药物)仍可以提供适当的辅助。等到你的情绪调适技巧熟练了,游泳圈(药物)就是多余的了!


很多人会以为吃了几个星期的药,比较舒服了,就擅自甚至不听劝告停药(在还没准备好的情况下,就放弃游泳圈了)。非常幸运的,可能这辈子也没再复发;比较幸运的,可能过了几年才回来了;但是大部分,在几个月内,面对重大生活巨变或压力时,就又再溺水,又需要游泳圈(药物)了。

另一种情况,病人开始服药后,就产生依赖性,习惯了游泳圈的便利与安全感的。有些倒是乐意,反正舒服,经济也能承担。有些呢,则会责怪医生责怪自己责怪家人,开始了这药,就停不下来了。问题是,药物是可以平衡头脑里的传输物质,但是你自己呢?你努力了吗?只单靠药物就能完全痊愈不再复发吗?

所以我特别觉得这篇<游泳与游泳圈>写得特别好。不能只靠药物,在觉得比较舒服后,就开始学习调适自己,调适情绪,调整生活步调,学习如何抗压,多做运动和参与有意义的活动等等。