Monthly Archives: May 2018

The elderly companion

I came across quite a few “love-less” relationships in some elderly couples recently. They are normally above 60 years of age, retired, spending a lot of time together (if not all the time), and starting to argue within 5 seconds of a “conversation”.

I am not sure if it’s right for me to call them “love-less”. But there does not seem to be anything else, other than complains, arguments, resentment, and even hostility. Sometimes I feel like they are hating each other.

Whenever I try to shift the topics to something else, within a short while, and often without me realising, the topic is again back to the partner, what s/he has done, how s/he hates him/her doing that etc. I observe “loathing” on their faces when they talk about their partner.

“Hmm.. Ok. It appears that you two dislike each other very much, and dislike spending time with each other, and will start arguing once you talk. How about separation? Have you guys considered —” (Normally I don’t get to finish what I intended to say)

“No la! This is normal what! Don’t be silly la! You know how old we are now… It’s normal la, spending time together and arguing. You are young, you don’t know just yet”

Deep down most of them admit that they are no longer able to live the life on their own, without that partner who has been with them for many decades, whether with or without children. “Divorce” never crosses their minds, it can’t be mentioned, they don’t even consider it, as if it will lead to some disaster, socially, familial, morally etc. But they feel miserable with this life of retirement, it was never what they imagined to be (free, joyful, enjoyable etc). Even when they go on holidays, they can argue non-stop.

Other than listening to them, I’m not sure what I can do to help them. They don’t need any medication. They do need some counselling or psychotherapy, but they are not keen to stick to doing homework and learning new skills to communicate better, to manage anger better etc., they think they know better.

But normally, if both are relatively healthy, I’d at least recommend them to spend more time separately, look for their own interests and circles of friend, develop purpose of life of their own. This usually helps, as it indirectly enhances the quality of time they spend together. What say you?

介绍书:故事思维(英-中译)

原文要是看得懂的话,我一向不看翻译书(所以简单来说我不看英译中的书),这是我在北京上课的一名助教老师送的,和我平时看的书不太一样,确实是很棒的一本书,只是有些地方翻译得不太清楚,简单的故事却变得不容易明白。(建议购买英文版本来看)

By Annette Simmons

By Annette Simmons

书里主要说些在生活中、职场上,如何用故事影响别人,讲故事的好处,和怎么选择好的故事、演说好的故事等等。

其实说故事的确是个很重要的技能,包括我平时在临床的经验,有时你和病人说理论说道理,还不如拿个贴切实用的故事和他说说,对方会突然挺直背盯着你关注你说的话(比较有兴趣听),透过故事也比较能够直接理解你要传达的意思(包括间接的提高他的动机、完成家庭作业等)。

可以看看这本书,当然最重要的还是把里面学到的实践用上(我还得多加努力…)!

Free and Alive – An email from a reader

My work email (hello@huibee.com) does receive emails quite frequently, from people seeking psychological helps, worried family members, potential clients, advice seekers, existing psychology students etc. However, this one is quite unique!

I’ve got the permission of the reader to share this email that he’s written to me last week.


Hi,

There is a story I want to tell You, I hope this letter reaches you and you’ll have some time to read it.

I’m a 21 yo guy from Hungary. 
A few years ago somehow, somewhere on the internet I stumbled on this post:
http://huibee.blogspot.hu/2012/09/behavioural-experiment-for-social.html?m=1
I don’t remember how I actually managed to find such a thing, but It was haunting my mind for years. “You should go take a banana for a walk, that would be fun”
I was daydreaming about it a lot more than I’m proud to admit
Not because it’s something foolish to think of, but because I haven’t done it for years, even though I wanted to and could’ve.
I even put in on my bucket list to make sure I’ll do it one day.
Then I realized that every day could be that “one day”. I don’t have to wait for it, not a single day.
So one day, on april 8th, 2018 I went for a walk with my banana, called “bobo” (I assume it’s not protected by copyright, right?)
It was amazing. People were laughing, smiling all the time around me. Someone even stopped to pet the banana, while other took pictured of it (and me). Since it’s 2018, it’s not a common thing to see someone taking a walk with their banana.
Of course there were some grumpy people who just didn’t get it and looked at me with that judgemental, disgusted face
I’m never affected by such things, I didn’t care about how they thought that i’ve lost my mind or whatever, all I cared about is the smile on the faces when walked past me.
It was a wonderful feeling. The sun was shining, it wasn’t too cold nor too hot, everything was just right.
I wish I could do other things with such a “free” spirit. Do you know any other ideas that are similar to this in some way? You know, that day for that 3-4 hours I felt really alive, which I haven’t felt for a long time. I’ve been trying to find my place in this mess called “world”, but it’s really difficult if you are entirely different than everyone else.
Honestly I really wish that you would understand how big impact that post had on my life.
If you have some free time, I would like to continue emaling for a while, if you don’t mind.

Thank You,


The post he mentioned was written during the time when I was in the UK and doing a diploma with Donald Robertson. You can also read it here (I moved my blog over in 2013, but the old link he provided has got a video of us doing it).

I’ve never thought that my blogpost would reach someone that far away, and influenced him in such special way. I mean, seriously, we can never imagine how things may turn out. I’m so glad that he took the effort and initiation to look for my contact (wasn’t available in my old blog) and got in touch with me.

Be kind, be grateful, and live your life to the fullest. Try out different things, embrace new experience.

He also attached the picture of his pet, Bobo, at the end of the email.

banana