Monthly Archives: March 2014

It doesn’t have to be your fault for you to change

Basic & General, Clinical Case Studies

She said he has been supportive all financially and mentally to the family of 5 since their marriage over 10 years ago. He has no bad habits, he doesn’t use violence.

But she wants a divorce. She was terrified yesterday, when she talked to him, regarding an outing with friends. She said it was the way he looked at her and the way he talked to her was scary.

She knew he has changed for her, since she initiated the divorce. But she said there are certain things that people can’t change, it’s in them, in their personality, long-standing habits (just wondering here, if it was his personality and long-standing, the problems would have been there before they get married isn’t it? Why wasn’t she scared?). So she insisted the divorce despite his efforts and knowing how responsible a husband he is.

So we gave up talking to the wife, we spoke to the husband. He thinks he has done nothing wrong, in fact he’s done well since the marriage.

But he wants the marriage back. He was told that if he continues with how he is, the wife is going to leave him. So despite doing nothing wrong, he’s the person who needs to change. We pointed out a few things that the wife mentioned, and asked him to start paying attention on them and changing them. So if he has tried hard enough to change, to improve his way of talking and treating her, looking at her, but she still insists the divorce, then at least he has tried.

It really doesn’t have to be your fault for you to change. If you want something badly you will have to initiate the move.

Nobody’s fault

Clinical Case Studies, Depression

The wife has requested to divorce earlier this year.

This is a husband who has no bad habits, and has not done anything guilty to the wife and their 3 daughters. He has supported the family financially and mentally from day one.

Why is the wife unhappy about the marriage? Frequent rows? Personality? Wife having affairs? Too boring?

They have their first daughter about 10 years ago. One year later the wife is pregnant again, and one day when she was already 8 months pregnant, the husband called the wife, and needed the wife to do something for work urgently. The wife did it as requested. And that was the day, the baby boy was born prematurely, … then passed away one day later.

In the next 5 years they have another two baby girls. But the wife couldn’t let go of it, the one and only baby boy. She blames it all on the husband, even after 8 years, can still never forgive him. She thinks the husband ruined her day and hence the water broke earlier. She thinks if the baby wasn’t born prematurely he wouldn’t have died.

She could be right. But is the husband not feeling guilty about it? Will the husband want his baby boy to die? If he knew that could happen, even on the slightest chance, will he still want the wife to do that?

OK well we can’t judge whether one’s guilty just by saying he has no motive to do so, because people do make mistake accidentally, just because you somehow kill this person accidentally, doesn’t make you guilt-free.

Now every day the wife is picking on the husband, moody, bad-tempered, and getting angry over little things. She tried to take some chinese herbs medicine, but the traditional chinese med doctor said her condition is getting so bad that she’d have to see a psychiatrist for a faster effect and action on her condition. The husband also tried to bring her to see Clinical Psychologists and went through a few sessions. But still, she couldn’t let go of the incident, and is putting the marriage and the family’s happiness at stake.

Nobody’s fault isn’t it? But when you step into her shoes you may understand why she’s feeling and behaving this way. Yet I feel so sorry for the husband and 3 daughters.

When traditional chinese medicine and psychotherapy (quit half-way) failed, will medicine help this family?

Guilt Feeling

Clinical Case Studies, Depression

She’s newly wed, just half a year ago. But she isn’t happy, as she’s involved with another man, after the proposal, before the wedding.

Few months after her wedding, the husband found out about the affair, by then she has already separated from the man. The husband also chose to forgive her about it.

This makes her feel worse. Within few weeks she was getting more and more depressed. She thinks she ruins their marriage, their lives. She would rather the husband being angry. She knew the husband loves her so much that he can forgive her about it and hopes that nothing like that will ever happen again.

But she feels so sorry, can’t get over with it and slowly develop depression, with agitation. The better the husband treats her, the worse she feels, and the worse she treats the husband back. The husband thinks he must have done something wrong, but doesn’t what to do to help with their relationship. Their marriage is at stake.

The root of the problem is her guilt feelings, that has to be spoken out, to a professional with the husband, that has to be solved, before any other problems it has caused can come to an end.

So speak out, when you feel sorry or guilty, depressed or sad, angry or agitated, you may not know what you’re doing, and may cause things to happen that make you regret for the rest of your life.

Be Positive

Basic & General

“Why not you try to find yourself some pleasurable activities, and go ahead to do it,  even when you don’t feel like doing it. You’ll be surprised at the end of it by how much better you may feel.”

“Can you give me an example of what I can do?”

“How about travelling? Going on a holiday?” (having known that this patient is financially capable)

“But there are so many disasters everywhere!”

“…”

A depressed man will only focus on negative aspects of things. He sees travelling as being involved in disasters or accidents and dying in other places, away from friends and family.

Just like myself – when I first started work, I remember so much of those family members or patients who were so grateful with their improvements after visiting us. Yesterday when I was discussing some cases with the doctor, I realized we’re now only focusing on the tricky bad cases, who don’t respond well to our treatments. We never really have time to even think about and appreciate the good ones.

This is how much we focus on the problems, and negative aspects of our lives. Once in a while we may realize how much we have in life (e.g. when you come across Nick Vijicic), but soon we forget about it and start to moan about life again.

This is probably so normal, as it is how we’re brought out up, and are taught to do. An engineer works in a factory will only focus on the machine that isn’t working and doesn’t realize there are 8 other machines that work completely fine and require no attention.

Of course, if they require no attention why do I pay attention on them? Of course, if my limbs are working fine why do I even think about them? Of course, if my tooth isn’t aching why will I realize how suffering it’s when it’s aching? Of course, if my mother washes all my clothes for me why will I still pay attention on it and remember to be thankful?

In fact if you think, it’s so damn easy to find something and feel grateful, happy about it. So, easy. But we only focus our attention on the bad, the negative, the downside. And when this happens in almost every aspect of your life, you’re most probably depressed.

So let’s try to do this when you’re disappointed, feeling a bit low, frustrated, unfairly treated, in pain, try to distract yourself from those negative feeling/thought, and think about something that make you feel grateful and positive, then focus on it/them!

Practice it often and hopefully we’ll all soon become happy people.