Monthly Archives: December 2017

介绍书《在咖啡冷掉之前》

我在报纸上看到这本书的推荐,想说或许自己看完后,可以介绍给一些经历失落与哀伤的朋友看,外加觉得它的标题挺特别的,就到书局去找它,结果发现大部分分行都卖断货了,后来机缘巧合下,去北京工作的时候,一名助教老师送了这本书给我。其实它和我在这里看到的版本好像不太一样…

作者川口俊和

作者川口俊和

这本书写关于在一家能让人回到过去却又同时有许多非常麻烦的规则得遵守的咖啡店里发生的四个故事。看的过程确实让我掉下眼泪,所以还是有它触动心弦的地方,只是或许是原著作者的处女作品,或者因为是翻译的关系,个人认为它写得有些唠叨冗长,一开始有点想放弃不看了,另外就是故事情节的发展和转折好些地方我都“不小心”猜到了,所以少了惊喜与感动。

无论如何,作为一本关于失去、失落、遗憾、弥补的书,我想它还是有一定程度的称职的,有兴趣的人可以看一看,只是千万别抱着太大的期望。

Problem-Focused & Emotion-Focused Copings

She didn’t think that she would need any professional mental help. That’s why she only came after quite a few months her colleague introducing our clinic to her. She realised that she is talking to herself, cursing, mumbling, and in this persistent low yet agitated mood.

It’s not difficult to understand why she’s in such state. She has a job herself and has four children, the second child is epileptic and can’t tolerate western medication, so she suffers from recurrent and unprovoked seizures. She lives with the husband and his family, including the mother in law, who doesn’t get along with her and is always criticising her. The husband’s brother works for the husband, and has recently moved in to their house with the wife and two dogs. She wasn’t happy that nobody sought her opinion regarding this. What’s worse is the brother in law and wife who never take proper care of the dogs’ hygiene. They live there for free, and never help out in any house chores. Sometimes they even use her car to take the dogs out, leaving the car seats with fur without cleaning. The mother in law would get in the way if she tried to say anything to the brother in law.

How about the husband? She’s been married to the husband for over a decade. The husband doesn’t care about all this. He usually comes home late, and is often drunk. She said he has been found to have mistress many times, some lasted for few months, some years. So this has left her in such paranoid state, is consistently suspicious that husband has another mistress yet again, and is always trying to track and check everything. So she lives in this house with her children, with almost no support and help, and with people who seem to always make life difficult for her.

What do you think? …? …?

My first reaction was fairly direct, “Why is she still there?” Yes she did mention that when outsiders look at her, most would think that she seems to lead such a happy and complete life. Is she?

Has she recognised what her problems are? Is she able to solve these problems effectively? Perhaps she can solve some of these, how about the remaining issues? Can she cope with them? Can she see the way out at all?

I do not think medication is going to do her much good, if any. I’d say this is why everyone should learn problem-focused coping strategies and emotion-focused strategies. Have you heard the famous inspirational by Reinhold Niebuhr,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

For me, it is telling us to solve the problems that are within our control (effective problem solving!), and for those stressors that we can do nothing about, we accept it (building psychological resilience, mindfulness, thought defusion, acceptance of negative emotions etc). And of course, what comes before, is the insight, the wisdom to identify the problems in your life and know to which category they belong to!

介紹書:<情緒勒索>

作者周慕姿

作者周慕姿

在大眾書局(Popular)以RM37.90買下的<情緒勒索:那些在伴侶、親子、職場間,最令人窒息的相處>,這可能是近年比較少見的題材,所以買來看看。之前也曾寫過一篇關於患者對家人的情緒勒索個案,請看這裏

在看這本書的過程中,很期待關於”如何不成為情緒勒索者”的部份,但幾乎沒有提到。書的重點放在如何不成為情緒勒索的受害者,我想還是值得介紹給一些朋友、患者和家屬看的。只是我覺得,如果大家都努力不成為情緒勒索者、也努力去察覺不讓自己情緒勒索他人,那就不會出現所謂的受害者了(當然那只是理想世界,現實中不可能出現,所以還是需要幫助受害者的這類書)。

而書中我最喜歡的,是關於自我價值的部份:

我相信:
我不需要總是做得到什麼,或證明什麼,才代表自己是有價值的。
就算我有一些缺點,甚至我有時候會失敗……但我都相信,這些事情,是因為我”沒做好”,而不是”我不好”。
只要我好好努力,我相信我可以做的好,而我也不會因為這個失敗,就懷疑自己存在於世界的意義。
這就是:對自己,完全的接納

對我而言,這就是對自己無條件的愛。而作者相信,能對自己完全的接納,則不會容易陷入情緒勒索者的漩渦裡,這點我認同。事實上,我認為,人們若都能對自己完全地接納,許多抑鬱、焦慮的問題皆不會出現了….

(關於對自己完全地接納,看這裏:給自己無條件的愛。)