There isn’t a better time to do this! Attend Dr Donald Meichenbaum’s “Essentials of Trauma Recovery & Treatment” workshop and help people in India to get through the Covid pandemic together!!
I’ve attended the workshop and I went over it more than twice and am going to watch it again and again, there is always more to learn from this legend, Dr Meichenbaum is 80 years old and has had experience in therapy for more than half a century!
The workshop is run on 16th July but you don’t need to attend it on the day if you have other commitments or are in different timezones like I do, you can watch the replay many times after that! (But you do need to register before 16th of July)
The obvious difference there is that one is public and usually widely accepted, be it by parents, family, friends, colleagues, general public and also the law, whereas the latter is secretive and usually not known by anyone else, and if known, is usually frown upon.
Public Relationship/Marriage
Secret Affair
Public & common
Secret
Widely approved
Frown upon
Bound by law & religions
No
Right thing to do (ethically)
Morally/ethically wrong but biologically?
No longer fun after the first few months usually
Usually more exciting and fun
Need to work harder to keep it going
Effort yes but make it even more exciting?
Involve more responsibility
Involve less responsibility from both
Might be wrong biologically but it’s to keep society going?
Not necessarily polyamory
The question here is, why do people keep going back for it? I have come across a number of times when people seek help for related issues. Like a recent client Mr Chin, who is married for more than 20 years with 3 almost grown up children, but recently was “dumped” by a girl 18 years his junior and had been together for the past 10 years. Yet according to Mr Chin, they have broken up a few times during the past 2-3 years, as the girl finally thought that she wanted a normal relationship and marriage and a family, then few months later, came back to him, saying that the “normal” relationship didn’t work. Mr Chin was very confused, because the girl knew from the very beginning that he wouldn’t be able to give her anything normal, their affair would always be secretive, why did she come back to him? Each break up took him at least few weeks of sleepless night, and as he was recovering, she’s back asking to be back together. Why?
I told him the answer is pretty simple, she will find no “normal” relationship that’s as rewarding as the one you have given her, and as long as she keeps comparing you with her “new” guy, she would come back to you. Secretive relationship is always more fun and exciting, involving much less responsibility, on top of that, he’s much older and mature, and much more financially stable than most likely any other guy she’s now seeing, it’s not difficult to guess why she comes back to a wiser and more mature and pampering man, right?
Normal, public relationships are mostly boring after the initial few months, we all know it. We have to work (quite hard) on it to keep it exciting and fun. Or we accept that this the normal routine, and we treasure the companionship and family love we have, as we grow old together. But for people who have been through long term secret affair, and are used to the excitement (like the celebrity always dodging the paparazzi, which actually makes the secret affair more exciting, more rewarding and even stronger), and then at some point hope that they can find a normal, public relationship like that, it’s just hard… People need to recognise that, and actively learn to be in normal relationship, and work for normal relationships to work… Or else, it’s hard for it to go beyond the first few months.
Whichever position you are in, speak to a professional someone (relationship/marriage counsellor/therapist, psychotherapist), it’d help! Mr Chin, if the situation permits, would tell you that he’s so glad to have spoken to me and how working together with me helps make sense a lot of things, and saving his marriage and general wellbeing.
Recently a friend has had a second child born. Now he has a 2 year old son and a week old daughter. A lovely family. But he told me he is worried, because he had so much love for his son before, now a daughter, which he wants to love even more if he could. But he is worried that he can’t split his love and give them both enough love. He wondered how he could give both of them more and equal love.
I asked him to imagine holding his son first, and “can you feel how much love you have for him?”
“Yes of course! I do this (hold him) every day.”
Now imagine letting go of his son, and carrying the newborn, “can you feel how much love you have for her?”
The answer is for sure.
Next I asked him, “now imagine you are carrying and cuddling both of them. Do you feel the love you have for each of them reduce sharply? Or do you feel way more love than before?”
“More! It’s more than double!”
Exactly. We often imagine that we can only have this much love, we quantify love, and think that there is a definite amount of love we can give and receive. So if you have 1 child, you gave him/her 100%, two children? About 50% each. Four children? Approximately 25% each ……
But no, love is indefinite. As long as you want to do so, there is indefinite love we can give and receive. So please don’t worry about “splitting your love” among your wife/husband, parents, children, siblings etc. There is always more!
BUT. Definitely there is one thing that isn’t indefinite, which is your time. You do need to manage your time well when you have more children and commitments. But with love and motivation, you will manage that fine.
Are you interested to join some online group psychotherapy sessions, with your closed friends, family or some others?
Recently I received some enquiries on group therapy. One of them is a few friends who think they have been so stressed and wish to learn some stress management and coping with difficulties in life together. Another enquiry is someone who wishes he could manage anger and emotions better, and asked if I run “anger management” online group therapy. Off and on I get those, but it’s not frequent. But with the pandemic situation, perhaps there is such need now?
I might offer the first few sessions for free since I’m also having to try out how effective this can be online, with you providing constructive feedback to me in the end so that I can improve the sessions helping others.
Some benefits of group therapy:
Group experience is usually great
Group therapy is usually more affordable! (at least I do plan to charge less)
You feel less lonely in the journey
Gaining perspective listening to others
Learning from diverse experience
It might develop into some supportive relationships (compared to 1:1 therapy which you don’t get to meet others)
Staying motivated and propelling yourself forward with the group
