Tag Archives: Experiential Avoidance

情绪困扰时，你首先怎么反应？

Issues & Debates, Treatment Approaches,

当您感到失望、恐惧、悲伤、沮丧、无聊、缺乏安全感、激动、烦恼、生气、痛苦、压力……时，您做的第一件事是什么？

“什么？我感觉不到到它们。”

“我不知道自己的感受是什么。我感觉像个机器人。我感到麻木。我什么都感觉不到。”

有时在我看来，人类似乎已经失去了感知主要情绪的能力，尤其是“负面”或困难的情绪。

确实，如果一只苍蝇站在您的手上，您摆动手尽快赶走它。如果洗衣机坏了，您想丢弃它，买一台新洗衣机。如果您的房间尘土飞扬，则需要清理干净。

这就是我们在外在环境中所做的事情。我们可以删除这些“负面”的东西。然后问题就解决了。但是，我们的内在，情感和心理世界呢？也能这么做吗？

当您感到悲伤时，可以摇头以摆脱悲伤吗？当您感到沮丧和失望时，是否可以将它们简单地堆放在垃圾箱中？当您觉得缺乏安全感和担心时，您可以清理它们吗？

不，你不能。这种方式不适用于内在世界。因此，我们尝试压制它，加以制止，并尽可能逃避它。 “不要哭，不要难过。” “别生气”这也是我们很多人从小所受的教导。确实，小时候，我们可能以为成年人可以控制自己的情绪，他们可以按照自己的意愿停止悲伤或生气。好神奇，不是吗？

以这种方式成长，以这种方式相信事物，我们怎么感觉感受呢？我们如何了解自己的情绪？我们怎么可能理解情绪背后的信息？所有的情绪都会给我们一些信息，无论是正面的还是负面的情绪。

当我们感到无聊、悲伤、沮丧等时，我们通常会转向我们的手机。也许回复一些whatsapp消息，也许玩我最喜欢的游戏，也许在instagram或instastory上滚动一些帖子。是的，智能手机可以似乎可以解决许多问题。至少我们不再有同样强烈的痛苦情绪了。

进而…？我们不再感受。我们只是在期待欢乐或正面的心情（而它们并不会持久）。我们不再理解出了什么问题，我们忽略了情绪所带来的信息。我们感到麻木，甚至以为麻木就是大家生活的方式。有些人转向酒精和毒品，至少他们不会感到如此麻木。

如果可以的话，请尝试在接下来的两到三天内注意一下解锁智能手机时的感觉（除了回应铃声以外）。当您拿出手机时，您是否会在逃避一些麻木，沮丧，失望，悲伤，烦恼，恐惧，担心等？好不好停下来留意自己的感觉与感受？您的身体有什么感觉吗？有什么不舒服不自在的吗？请花一些时间注意并确认它们。然后有意识的“决定”下一步要做什么。或许可以什么都不做，只是和情绪待着…

What do you do when you’re experiencing difficult emotions?

Issues & Debates, Treatment Approaches

When you’re feeling disappointed, scared, sad, low, bored, insecure, frustrated, agitated, annoyed, angry, upset, pain, stressful… What is the first thing that you do?

“What? I don’t even feel them.”

“I don’t know what I’m feeling. I feel like a robot. I feel numb. I can’t feel anything.”

Sometimes it appears to me that humans seem to have lost the ability to feel primary emotions, especially the “negative” or difficult ones.

Indeed, if a fly stand on your hand, you want to get rid of it ASAP by sway your hand. If your washing machine is broken, you want to get rid of it and buy a new one. If your room is dusty, you want to clean it up.

This is what we do in the external, physical world. We remove these “negative” things. And then problem is sorted. But, what about our inner, emotional and psychological world?

When you’re feeling sad, can you get rid of it by swaying your head maybe? When you’re frustrated and disappointed, can you simply chunk them to the bin? When you are feeling insecure and worried, can you just clean them up?

No you can’t. It doesn’t apply to the internal world this way. So we try to suppress it, fight it off, avoid it as much as possible. “Don’t cry, don’t be sad.” “Don’t be angry” This is what we were taught too. Indeed as a child, we probably thought that the adults can control their emotions, they can stop being sad or angry as they wish.

Growing up this way, believing things this way, how do we still feel? How do we still know our emotions? How do we still understand the message behind the emotions? All emotions give us some messages, whether it’s positive or negative.

When we are bored, sad, frustrated, upset etc., we commonly turn to our smartphone. Maybe reply a few whatsapp messages, maybe play my favourite game, maybe scroll a few posts on instagram or instastory. Yes, smartphone is such a life saver. At least we don’t feel the same intense painful emotions anymore.

And then…? We no longer feel. We are only anticipating joyous mood (which never lasts). We no longer understand what’s wrong, overlooking the message brought by our emotions. We feel numb, and wonder if that’s the way of living. Some people turn to alcohol and drugs, at least they won’t feel so numb.

If possible, try to spend the next two to three days noticing how you’re feeling whenever you unlock your smartphone (perhaps except when it’s in response to a notification alert). When you reach out to your phone, are you avoiding some numbness, frustration, disappointment, sadness, annoyance, fear, worry, etc? How about taking a pause and noticing how you’re feeling? Any sensation in your body? Any discomfort? Just take some time to notice it and acknowledge it. Then “decide” what you want to do next. It can be nothing…

Are you one of the Judges on social medias?

In the News, Issues & Debates

I remember starting to create accounts on Facebook and Twitter during my Uni time in the UK and found it so great to be able to connect with some long-lost friends and those who are not by my side.

Since then, about 15 years have gone, I have stopped using my Facebook account, and only used my Twitter to record some work or personal significance events. Why? I realised that browsing the social medias took up so much time, and what’s more, I didn’t enjoy it, but back then, I was doing it almost compulsively (e.g. I must be browsing a few posts before I go to bed no matter how tired I was).

In the past few years and especially recent years, with the popular of social medias across almost all age groups, there have been more and more cyber bullying, which has led to different social issues.

Have you thought of why there have been so many self-harms and suicides these days?

You might think that it’s just some words, why are people taking it so personally? But have you heard of “words are sharper than swords”?

Words are sharper than sw... | Quotes & Writings by Balamurugan Selvaraj | YourQuote

What’s worse, is when everyone is thinking the same and adding a few more slashes on it, thinking that it doesn’t matter, thinking that this is freedom of speech, thinking that “I’m just expressing myself”. In addition, people don’t usually scroll through social medias in a calm and relaxed mood, quite often it’s when one’s waiting for something, or avoiding some emotional conflicts (“experiential avoidance“**), or is in some mild agitation or frustration, which is not noticeable immediately. Yet people often feel good after leaving such “smart” and “free” judgements. In a sense, their frustration, boredom, loneliness or anxiety gets to release by leaving comments of hatred, criticism, ridicule, defame etc. In another words, it’s rewarding to do so, the next time, they are more likely to conduct similar behaviour.

Honestly I’d like to think that humans are kind in general. But when I looked at those kinds of comments, I couldn’t see the kindness. I tried to look for reasons just so I can still think that humans are not that bad actually. Like for example, I guess many of them didn’t think about the consequences of those words, plus social medias often give us a sense of secrecy (like we are hiding behind the keyboards and do not need to be responsible), I guess if they knew their words can take lives away, they wouldn’t have done it. Or would they?

Next time before you defame, ridicule, criticise someone on social media, please consider:

  • Have you done anything wrong in your life? If you do, consider that you will not be allowed to explain for your wrongdoing, and do you deserve that kind of comments?
  • Do you know the whole story? Is it possible to know the full story just from one or two person’s post or from the news?
  • Do you know what this person is going through? Could it be that s/he is suffering from mental problems but couldn’t get the help s/he needed?
  • Will you say the same thing if the target is someone you love?
  • Is your comment going to make this world a better and more peaceful place?
  • Are you leaving the comments just so you are feeling better yourself? Do you know that you benefit yourself from hurting others?

**Experiential Avoidance: The attempts to avoid thoughts, feelings, memories, sensations, and other internal experiences, which usually leads to more harms and problems in the long-run. For those social media frequenters, I suggest that you try to notice how often when you’re feeling a little bored, frustrated, sad, disappointed, scared, worried, and your immediate response is turn to your phone, your social medias.

P.S. I have always wanted to write about this, but the intention became strongest after hearing what a support group member had to go through due to cyber bullying. I’m just glad she is still striving to stay alive despite what others have done to her.

恐惧&焦虑

Anxiety Disorder, , , ,

大多数恐惧与焦虑相关的研究人员都认为恐惧和焦虑之间存在差异。 以下是一些关键点：

恐惧：

  • 通常被视为对此时此地的危险的回应。
  • 例如： 狗在我面前，我很害怕！
  • 定位：此时此地
  • 更高的交感神经唤醒，更高水平的战斗或逃跑反应。

焦虑：

  • 通常被视为对预测/预期威胁的回应。
  • 例如。 这里没有狗，但在拐弯处可能有狗！
  • 导向：未来
  • 交感神经唤醒程度较低

当然没有人喜欢感到恐惧或焦虑，我们都不想拥有它们。 然而，恐惧和焦虑都不危险。 他们完全正常，每个人都经历。

想一想：在你的生活中，是否有些时候恐惧和/或焦虑在某些方面帮助到你、拯救了你、 保护你、 激励你？

Fear & Anxiety: Differences

Anxiety Disorder, Basic & General, , ,

Most researchers in the field agree that there are differences between fear and anxiety. Here are some of the key ones.

Fear:

  • Generally seen as a response to danger here and now.
  • E.g. the dog is right in front of me, I’m scared.
  • Orientation: Here and now
  • Higher sympathetic arousal, higher level of fight or flight.

Anxiety:

  • Generally seen as a response to a predicted/anticipated threat.
  • E.g. no actual dog here, but at the corner there might be a dog.
  • Future-focused
  • The degree of sympathetic arousal is lower

Of course nobody likes feeling fear or anxiety, we all don’t want to have them. However, both fear and anxiety are not dangerous. They are completely normal and everyone experiences them.

Think about this: Are there times in your life where fear and/or anxiety have been useful/helpful in some ways? Where fear and/or anxiety saved you? Protected you? Motivated you?

面对焦虑

Anxiety Disorder, Basic & General, Treatment Approaches, , , , , ,

焦虑就像一只老虎，你为了避开它，减少它可能对你造成的伤害，你给了它一块肉，希望它吃了肉可以离开。是的，它可能离开一会儿，可是，猜一猜，给了它那块肉以后，它真的不再回来了吗？可能一两个小时，可能一两天，这回它又饿了，可能更饿了，更强大，要更多更大块的肉。

焦虑也一样，你越是逃避它害怕它，越是为了它作出不必要的牺牲（害怕在社交场合被拒绝，干脆不去参加舞会；担心无法把工作做好，花更多的时间在担心而不是完成工作，甚至最后真的无法完成），它下一次再出现，只会变得更强烈，让你更不舒服、更恐惧、更害怕。

可是如果你选择和焦虑处在一起，它固然让你感到不舒服，但它并不危险，一段时间后，你的焦虑感会开始下降，下次再面临一样的处境，你也不再那么焦虑，即使还是有一定程度的焦虑，你的头脑也能告诉你，基于上次相处的经验，其实这个焦虑感可能让你感到不舒服，但它并不危险，你并不用逃避它。

那不逃避，就是怎么做呢？如何直接面对它呢？如何接受情绪呢？首先告诉自己，这感觉可能让你感到不舒服，但是它不会对你造成伤害。你可以感受一下它处于身体的哪个部分，比如胸口闷闷地，颈项后方有点紧、心跳有点快、或肚子有些不舒服等，识别它们，并容许、允许它们存在于那里，就像一个朋友带了一个你不太喜欢的客人来到你家一起聚餐，但你并不因此把他赶走，或者为了他一个人，不去招待其他客人，你还是允许他的存在，继续享受你的聚餐、继续做你想做的事。对任何情绪，其实都一样，都可以这么做。