Tag Archives: sexual preferance

To those who “found” homosexual family members:

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Please read slowly, take your time to think about it, and maybe come back again and again in a few days. If I am wrong, you can leave a message to correct me…

  • What kind of person, what gender, and which person does one like, are things that happen naturally, and in fact it is not one’s “choice”. We can’t choose the gender of the person we like, whether you’re heterosexual or homosexual, it’s not within your control. Think about your experience in the past, didn’t it simply happen naturally?
  • If you want him/her to change, please step into his/her shoes, imagine you want to force yourself to change your sexual orientation, what would happen? How’d you feel? Isn’t it painful?
  • You want him/her to be healthy and happy, right?
  • Adults without homosexual tendencies will not be deceived or pushed or influenced to become homosexual. (If that happens, it is probably because s/he was originally that way, but s/he was confused or could not face or be honest with him/herself, so in this case s/he was only pushed to become honest with him/herself and people around him/her).
  • Maybe s/he was not homosexual previously, maybe s/he had imagined her/himself marrying with the opposite sex since childhood, and even had been in a relationship with the opposite sex for a few or many years, but there are many people in this world who love “that person” instead of “the gender”. And the books, stories, cartoons, and people around us that we have contacted since childhood are almost all heterosexual, so those fantasies do not mean anything. Many people cannot accept that they are homosexuals, but choose to pretend to be so-called “normal people” (and many realised that’s even more painful).
  • Maybe you think your “common/usual” road is easier for him/her. So, do you want him/her to take a hard but happy road, or an easy but unhappy road?
  • Underlying your worry and advice, even anger and blame, are all concerns and love, because you know that road might be really difficult, on behalf of him or her, I’d like to say thank you. But no one has ever guaranteed that heterosexual relationships and marriage will be easier and happier. It is better to ask her/him to strengthen him/herself and improve his/her ability to deal with stress and cope with things, so that s/he can take this path that seems harder, so s/he is equiped with the ability to handle opinions and criticisms.
  • They told me that what others think about them is not important at all. For them, the most important person is you. Your approval and acceptance are more valuable than anything else. Every day, they are looking forward to the day when they can be honest with you.
  • Ask him/her to promise you: continue to explore and understand him/herself with a curious & open mindset, continue to grow and become more mature every day.
  • Ultimately, what you want most, is to see him being healthy and happy, right?
  • I want to tell you that if s/he had a choice, s/he’d also choose an easy way generally recognized by the society… But, have s/he had a choice?
  • I hope that you will be willing to learn and meet a wide variety of people in this world with a curious and open mind, meet them, learn about them them, get along with them, accept different people, and even like them. They are just different from you some way or the other, but they are not bad. Just because they are different from most people, it does not mean that they have psychological problems. And they strive to live, to learn about themselves, and be themselves, as hard as you do.

Thank you for reading. I’m sure they appreciate it.

Sexual Orientation: Uncertainty or Unacceptance

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This post is intended to be written without judgement and with all due respects to any and everyone. 

For the past two to three years, I have received more and more enquiries that are LGBT related. One of the “categories”, is people who contacted me for their family members, i.e. not the client who reaches me for his/her problem.

In the beginning, I always assume that it’s the client who seeks help, because they are unsure, because they want to be “normal” again, because of the anxiety and/or mood problems that arise with his/her sexuality. Or, on top of all those who have approached me for those reasons, it also occurs that their issues are completely not related to their sexuality, it’s just that they think I have worked with people of similar backgrounds to theirs so I’d understand them better and we will get along well (put it simple, they wouldn’t need to worry about being judged by me because of the variety of clients I have come across).

But then, there are also more and more who approached me for their family members. And it’s not because their family members have any problems listed above. I remember seeing this lady in her mid-twenties, alone, only she and I. She completed the depression/anxiety scales on the table, which were looking more normal than me, and told me she has no problem, nothing to discuss. She said she came because the mum told her to, and she doesn’t know why they want her to come (…?). I was like… “Okay, I will call your brother and mother in then”, since it was the brother who booked the appointment with me.

What happened next, it’s not difficult to guess. She recently came out to her family, and none of the members can accept it. They said she was confused, she was affected by her group of friends and especially her partner of 6 years, she has low self-esteem, she always daydreams about having a handsome boyfriend who treats her like a princess, she has no other experience in romantic relationship etc etc.

I looked at her when the family was telling me what’s “wrong”, she was rolling eyes. I won’t deny that I was rolling eyes inside as well. (okay, only inside, it’d be unprofessional to do it…….)

The family wanted me to change her “back”, to help them to convince her “back”. It’s possible that she’s confused, but I like what I recently wrote to someone who’s enquiring for her partner:

“From my point of view, this is not something that people choose (just like I’m a straight, but I didn’t choose to become a straight person, likewise to anyone in the LGBT community). So it’s unless when people are confused (which rarely happens, unless they are still quite young and found that they seem to be different from the rest), then such [sexual orientation test] tool might be used. If the person herself, in this case your girlfriend rather clearly knows what sex/gender or who she likes, then nobody knows better than her, not her family, not you, not me, not any psychologist.

I have seen many family who insist that their family member should see me, and found out that it was more of the family’s non-accepting issues, not the client him/herself that’s having problem. In cases like this, I normally do psychoeducation with the family, and to a smaller extend, also with the client. It is a journey of acceptance for the family, and this can take a long time, especially for some traditional parents. ”

Yes I believe the person knows it best, and nobody else shall question that. You can care about him/her and ask him/her about it, but not questioning or criticising or convincing etc. (Of course it can be very confusing for people who are too young, or people who thought they were straight or homosexual but in the end found that they could be bisexual, but remember that for all of us, it’s a journey of exploration, nothing should be “certified”, let’s just be open?)

Yes, I don’t think people choose their orientation, neither do I think that there’s right or wrong. It DEFINITELY is not a mental problem. It happens naturally, just like for any straight person. But people who aren’t straight go through a lot more doubtful thought and painful emotion due to the “norm” in the society. And that’s not their fault, we owe them more support and care, and less judgement and prejudice. There’s nothing wrong with them. Be kind, treat them like how you’d like to be treated.

给“发现”家里有同性恋者的你：

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请你慢慢地看，仔细地思考，或许过几天再回来重复看。如果我说的不对，你可以留言告诉我、纠正我… 

－喜欢什么人、哪个人、什么性别，是自然发生的事，事实上也不是他的“选择”。我们无法选择自己喜欢的人的性别，不管你是异性恋还是同性恋都一样，不是我们的控制范围。回想过去的你，不也自然发生吗？

－你希望他改变的话，就请将心比心，想象你要强迫自己改变性向，那会怎样？快乐吗？痛苦吗？

－你希望他健康、快乐，对吗？

－没有同性恋倾向的成人，不会被蒙骗／迷惑／影响而变成同性恋。（若有，是因为他原本就很可能是，只是自己也无法面对或对自己坦诚，那他也只是被影响下而敢于面对）。

－或许他曾经不是同性恋，或许他从小幻想自己和异性交往结婚，甚至曾经交往异性几个或多年，可是这世上有很多人，爱的是“那个人”而不是“他的性别”。而我们从小接触的书本、故事、卡通、周遭的人，几乎都是异性恋，所以那些幻想也不代表什么。很多人自己也无法接纳自己是同性恋，而选择和异性交往，做所谓的“正常人”。

－或许你认为你那“正常”的路比较轻松。那，你希望他走一条辛苦但快乐的路，还是走一条轻松但他并不快乐的路？一辈子的路很长…

－你对他的担心和劝告，甚至愤怒和责备，背后都是关心和爱，因为这条路可能真的不容易，我想代替他，谢谢你。但是从来没有人保证异性恋情和婚姻就会比较轻松比较快乐，不如请他让自己强大起来，提高抗压和应对能力，走这条好像比较不容易走的路，有能力应付别人的眼光和批评。

－他们告诉我，外面的人如何看待他们其实一点也不重要，对他们而言，最重要的是你，你的认可和接受比什么都珍贵。每一天，他们都在期待或许哪天能够与你坦诚相对。

－请他答应你：以一种好奇和开放（curious & open）的心态，继续探索、继续了解自己，继续成长和变得更成熟。

－你最希望的，是他健康、快乐，对吗？

－我想告诉你，如果他有选择，他也想选择一条社会普遍认可的轻松路…

－希望你也以一种好奇和开放的心态，去了解这个世界上各种不同的人，学习了解他们，与他们相处，接纳不同的人，甚至，喜欢他们。他们只是有些地方和你不一样，但他们并不坏，和大部分人不同也不代表是心理问题，并且他们和你一样很努力的生活和了解自己、做自己。

谢谢你愿意看完这些话。

LGBT in Malaysia

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Everyone has been talking about the change of government since the GE14 in May. Yet my blog seems so cold about this whole shift as if I don’t care, because I have not mentioned it at all so far, but this does not represent how I personally feel about it.

This morning I heard on the 89.9 BFM regarding LGBT in Malaysia. Some were hoping that with the new government, “something” can be done for this minority group. Today I’m not commenting on the Sharia (Islamic) law or how pervasive the discrimination towards LGBT is in Malaysia, I’m writing this as a psychotherapist who works in private psychiatric clinics and private hospitals. I do not represent one or any of them.

In the year of 2007, statistics showed 8% of the Malaysia population thought that homosexuality should be accepted, while in 2013 there was 9%. One of the lowest rates of acceptance in the world.

I’m pleased to see some of them appearing on the newspaper and in the public sharing their stories occasionally. But those were just a very small percentage of the people. From time to time, the clinic and myself received phone calls and emails from people suffering from them. They do not contact us because of mental distress, they get in touch because they want us to “change them back to normal.” They do not want themselves to be like this.

Yes you can set up any law to control their appearance in the media or even in the public. You can also stop them from entering your country. You can prosecute them for cross-dressing and other behaviour. Your law enforcers can also assault and humiliate them however they like it without getting into any trouble. etc. etc.

You can pretend that you don’t see them and disallow them to appear anywhere you don’t want them to be seen, but they don’t just disappear. They suffer. They continue to suffer. In silence. They seek help from private services like us. They avoid the general or government hospitals. Many of them even never speak to their family members about it. They do their best to hide it.

No I’m sorry I can’t change them back to normal. Because who is there to decide what is normal and what isn’t. Not me. Not you either. I can help them though, with all the anxiety and depression that stem from the discrimination and problems in their everyday lives.

So I’m really hoping that whatever laws and regulation the new government may come up with, consider each of these unique individuals, how the interests of the public and theirs can be served, and how can there be less suffering for all. And for the public, I’d really like to urge everyone to be more open, you don’t have to accept them or like them or befriend them, but just bring an open heart and mind, and see what happens.

 

Related read: Can we help with Sexual Orientation “Issues”?

Can we help with Sexual Orientation “Issues”?

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It seems to get more and more frequent that we’re getting emails (but not other means of communication, just usually emails) asking about sexual orientation problems, or even worse, asking us to “fix me, as I don’t want to be a gay”. Whereas, some are children of successful entrepreneurs, who can’t accept their children’s homosexuality, and asking us to “cure it”.

I’m not a scholar or researcher in this area, so my view here is rather subjective (and personal), but it’s through plenty of my involvement with people who identify themselves as homosexuals, which include closed friends, acquaintances, friends of family, clients, family of clients.

For those who see sexual orientation itself as the problem, I’d always tell them that it’s not a problem to fix, and I don’t think it can be fixed no matter how hard people try, even with professional helps (there are exceptions, those are not to be discussed here).

But that doesn’t mean that we can’t help, that it’s wrong to look for help from us, in the mental health professions. We help people to lead healthier and more contended life, dealing with the anxiety and depression associated with their sexual orientation.

And not just that, sometimes we also help with familial issues related to it. Like an adolescent who came with his very traditional-minded parents. Initially everyone thought that the parents couldn’t accept that their only son is a gay, but it was later found out that parents were trying to “stop” him because they were so worried about the kind of pressure and social stigma that the son would face being a gay for the rest of his life, and it all had nothing to do with the sexual orientation itself; whereas the son, was also so worried about how his parents would feel, and how they could face their extended family members etc. They care about each other, but they didn’t use the right way to communicate, so together, they learnt to face the barriers together, supporting each other.

This is just one of the positive examples. Although the society seems to get more open nowadays, there’re still a lot of people who suffer behind the scenes. So do seek help, whether or not you think your sexual orientation is the problem, there’re people out here who’re like you, and there are people who will be able to help, just perhaps not in the way you expect.

People often leave here being still the same person with the same orientation, but feeling much more empowered to handle the stress and anxiety associated with it, and more motivated to lead the life the way they want.

 

不能确定是社会越来越开放, 还是实际数字真的在增加, 最近越来越常收到电邮, 问关于性取向 (sexual orientation) 与同性 (homosexuality) 问题. 更甚的是, 有些人是希望我们把”问题治愈”. 有些则是一些企业家, 不能接受自己的孩子是同性恋, 而要求我们 “改正”它.

虽然我不曾着重研究这方面的课题,但是身边有着不少朋友和病人等, 所以算是相当有经验处理相关问题. 一般我都会告诉他们, 性取向, 并不是一样你很努力就能改变的东西, 很多时候, 只是把它压抑着而已.

但是这并不代表你不能来找我们帮助, 不代表求救于心理科 (psychology) 或精神专科 (psychiatry) 就是错的, 因为我们可以协助你面对和处理性取向所带来的压力 (stress),焦虑 (anxiety) 和抑郁 (depression).

不只是这样, 我们还可以帮忙调和与家人的关系与问题. 之前有个青年男生与思想非常传统的父母一起寻求帮助. 一开始大家都以为父母肯定是不能接受他们的独子是个同性恋, 但是深入了解后才发现父母其实非常担忧儿子未来要走的路, 所面对的压力和歧视, 他们的反对, 只是希望儿子有个平坦一些的路和未来, 不用受那么多苦. 而儿子, 同样也感到非常痛苦, 但担心的不是自己所要面对的, 而是父母所会受到的亲戚朋友乃至社会的压力与污言垢语. 他们彼此互相关心着, 所以在沟通以后, 开始学习一起面对一切困境.

所以请一定要寻求帮助, 不管你觉得问题是性取向本身或者其它连带问会餐题, 都会有人和你一样面对着一样的问题, 也会有人可以帮助到你, 只是可能方法不是你想象的那样.

很多人在结束治疗时, 还是那个同性那个一样的性取向, 只是他们已经学会了如何面对和克服一切, 并朝向他们向往的人生.