Tag Archives: LGBTQ+

在现实中努力求存

Issues & Debates,

他告诉我他很嫉妒那些孩子，因为他们的父母有能力让他们上任何他们想上的学校，包括世界一流的大学，父母只需要“捐款”，然后孩子就在那里上学。

“我拼尽全力来到这里。他们呢？他们能在这上学是因为他们出生在一个富裕的家庭，拥有如此的特权！”

同样，另一个女孩告诉我“我的室友昨晚刚飞回家，为什么？因为她想家。那太烂了。我不会那样做，但我想要有那个选择。但是没有，我没有这样的选择。我很想念我妈妈，但是我还在这里。”

确实，我们真正想要的是选择的自由，但我们常常没有这样的选择。但是，当我们没有选择的时候，我们会非常努力，我们总是为任何机会做好准备，我们会充分利用我们拥有的一切，我们会最大限度地发挥我们的潜力，不是吗？

也许没有选择意味着我们过着更充实的生活，与那些在保护良好的环境中长大、总是有选择的特权，并且可以过着非常悠闲的生活（如果他们愿意 )? 他们往往有点脆弱，他们有时害怕接受挑战，也不能很好地应对挫折。 毕竟他们大部分时间都在自己的舒适区，要什么有什么，不需要面对挫折。 显然，这并不适用于每一个出生在那种家庭的孩子。 但是试着注意你周围的人，你有观察到任何规律？

然而这就是现实。 这意味着你在充分地生活、尝试、学习、奋斗，最大限度地发挥你的能力和每一个细胞。 这难道不是一种更值得过更有价值的生活，远比那种要什么有什么的生活来的更值得？ 当你竭尽全力以实现目标时，感觉不是很棒吗？ 这不也让你成为一个更强大、更伟大的人吗？

谁知道如果你出生在那个家庭并拥有所有这些选择，你会被“宠坏”而不会像现在这样做出任何好的选择和充实的生活呢？

也许你认为我只是想让你感觉好些，这些都很阿Q的自我安慰。 但这在世界许多地方都可以观察到，当某个少数群体在某些资源或机会（选择）上被剥夺时，他们会更加努力地奋斗，他们变得越来越强大。 这可以是某个种族、性别认同、社会经济阶层、能力不同的人等。任何一群人都是如此，我给他例子，像在马来西亚生活的少数民族…

最后他告诉我，“是的！也许这是真的。我注意到去年获得奖学金的大多数人都是 LGBTQ+，即使他们没有公开宣布，但我猜他们内心深处， 像你说的那样坚强，不像顺性别者那样生活，这很难，你知道的。但是是的，他们可以取得更大的成就”

Documentary: Untold: The Girlfriend who didn’t exist

Review - books movies series

Right, after 2.5 years, I’m finally tested covid positive. So the good thing is I don’t have to travel to work (but I’m still working from home), and I have time to flip to Netflix again!

This is what I watched yesterday:

Untold: The Girlfriend Who Didn't Exist' Effectively Unpacks One Of College Football's Craziest Scandals [Review]
Untold: The girlfriend who didn’t exist

Obviously, spoiler ahead so if you might watch it maybe do not read on. But I’m not going to be writing synopsis of the documentary, but more of what I think and feel after watching it, so if you don’t mind that, read on! (I mean, some people just don’t mind being told the ending before they watch a movie!)

I believe just like many other audience, we feel really sorry for the NFL footballer Manti Te’O, watching how his life was ruined falling in love with this “girl” online. But when we really looked at it, did he do anything wrong, at all??

The answer is clearly a big No. In fact he is portrayed as such a well-brought up kid, kind, religious, focused, determined, influential and inspirational. We can’t guarantee that his future was definitely going to be much brighter than what he has now should this not happen, but we can be almost sure about that based on how he was like before it all came out as a “hoax”. (He is a victim in this hoax but portrayed by the reporters as a perpetrator!)

Now second question, is what she did wrong? Do you think? Like wrong ethically/morally? Illegally? Is catfishing (google says: the process of luring someone into a relationship by means of a fictional online persona) wrong?

Clearly Netflix didn’t choose to portray her as “wrong”… But still, you can’t stop your audience from feeling the sympathy towards Manti which also leads to more anger towards Naya (born and then known as Ronaiah). You can’t do one thing leaving another, and I think this is the problem of Netflix in this documentary.

But I was wondering why Netflix took that stance. And my best guess would be because Naya is a trans. She is part of a minority group, she is part of the LGBTQ+ group, she had suffered a lot due to her gender confusion in her life, she was just young and confused because she didn’t understand her gender identity and perhaps wanting to explore it.

Are these some good reasons to catfish someone? Are these great reasons to ruin someone else’s life and career and even family?

Obviously no. I mean if you have been following my blog, you probably would have noticed how strong an advocate I am for the LGBTQ+, and I’m not just doing this online, but also in the school I’m working at. I think for cisgendered people like the majority of us, it’s impossible for us to imagine the struggles the gender non conforming people have. I surely feel bad for Naya. But I strongly believe that if she hasn’t already, she really should look at the consequences of her actions, own it up and sincerely face it and apologise, even though Manti already said he forgave her… Because based on what’s shown, she doesn’t seem to feel bad for him or is remorseful at all…

A conversation on Transgender Athletes

Issues & Debates

I wonder if any of you are like me, who sometimes wonder about transgender athletes competing in major sport events, especially when I’m watching Olympics, All England (badminton) or the very recent SEA games. I stumbled across this conversation led by one of my favourite authors Malcolm Gladwell and thought maybe you would enjoy being educated on this topic and learn what have been and could be done in the area!

Striving in reality

Basic & General, Issues & Debates

He told me he’s jealous of those kids whose parents can afford to let them go any school they want, including top universities in the world, the parents just need to “make some donations” and then the kids are there attending those schools.

“I worked my ass off to be here. Them? They are here because they were born into a rich family. So privileged”

Likewise, another girl told me “my roommate just flew back home last night, why? Because she misses home. That’s so rotten spoilt. I wouldn’t do that, but I’d like to have that option. But no I don’t. I miss my mum a lot, and I’m still here.”

Indeed, what we really want, is that freedom to choose, but often we don’t. It’s when we don’t have options that we work very hard, that we are always ready for any opportunities, that we fully utilise whatever we have, that we maximise our potentials, don’t we?

Maybe not having the options means we are living a fuller life, compared to those who grow up in a very well-protected environment, always have the privileges to choose, and can have a very laid-back life (should they wish)? Often they are kind of fragile, they don’t take up challenges and can’t respond to setback well. They are mostly in their comfort zone all their lives. Obviously this doesn’t apply to everyone born into that kind of family. But try to notice people around you, did you observe any pattern?

Yet this is reality. This means you are fully living, trying, learning, striving, maximising your ability and every cells. Isn’t this a life worth living, a lot more than a life you are given most of your needs and wants? Doesn’t it feel great when you work your ass off to achieve your goals? Doesn’t this make you a stronger and greater person too?

Who knows if you were born into that family and had all these options, you would be “spoilt rotten” and wouldn’t make any great choice and fully living like you do now?

Maybe you think I’m just trying to make you feel better. But this is observed in many places in the world, when a certain minority group is being deprived for some resources or opportunities (options), they try and strive harder, they become stronger and greater. This can be a certain ethnicity, gender identity, socio-economic class, differently-abled persons etc.. Any group of people really.

In the end he told me, “yeah! Maybe that’s true. I noticed most of the people who received the scholarships last year were those LGBTQ+, even when they don’t publicly announce it, but I guess inside, they are stronger like you said living unlike the cisgender, it’s hard, you know. But yeah they can achieve greater things”

To those who “found” homosexual family members:

Issues & Debates, , , ,

Please read slowly, take your time to think about it, and maybe come back again and again in a few days. If I am wrong, you can leave a message to correct me…

  • What kind of person, what gender, and which person does one like, are things that happen naturally, and in fact it is not one’s “choice”. We can’t choose the gender of the person we like, whether you’re heterosexual or homosexual, it’s not within your control. Think about your experience in the past, didn’t it simply happen naturally?
  • If you want him/her to change, please step into his/her shoes, imagine you want to force yourself to change your sexual orientation, what would happen? How’d you feel? Isn’t it painful?
  • You want him/her to be healthy and happy, right?
  • Adults without homosexual tendencies will not be deceived or pushed or influenced to become homosexual. (If that happens, it is probably because s/he was originally that way, but s/he was confused or could not face or be honest with him/herself, so in this case s/he was only pushed to become honest with him/herself and people around him/her).
  • Maybe s/he was not homosexual previously, maybe s/he had imagined her/himself marrying with the opposite sex since childhood, and even had been in a relationship with the opposite sex for a few or many years, but there are many people in this world who love “that person” instead of “the gender”. And the books, stories, cartoons, and people around us that we have contacted since childhood are almost all heterosexual, so those fantasies do not mean anything. Many people cannot accept that they are homosexuals, but choose to pretend to be so-called “normal people” (and many realised that’s even more painful).
  • Maybe you think your “common/usual” road is easier for him/her. So, do you want him/her to take a hard but happy road, or an easy but unhappy road?
  • Underlying your worry and advice, even anger and blame, are all concerns and love, because you know that road might be really difficult, on behalf of him or her, I’d like to say thank you. But no one has ever guaranteed that heterosexual relationships and marriage will be easier and happier. It is better to ask her/him to strengthen him/herself and improve his/her ability to deal with stress and cope with things, so that s/he can take this path that seems harder, so s/he is equiped with the ability to handle opinions and criticisms.
  • They told me that what others think about them is not important at all. For them, the most important person is you. Your approval and acceptance are more valuable than anything else. Every day, they are looking forward to the day when they can be honest with you.
  • Ask him/her to promise you: continue to explore and understand him/herself with a curious & open mindset, continue to grow and become more mature every day.
  • Ultimately, what you want most, is to see him being healthy and happy, right?
  • I want to tell you that if s/he had a choice, s/he’d also choose an easy way generally recognized by the society… But, have s/he had a choice?
  • I hope that you will be willing to learn and meet a wide variety of people in this world with a curious and open mind, meet them, learn about them them, get along with them, accept different people, and even like them. They are just different from you some way or the other, but they are not bad. Just because they are different from most people, it does not mean that they have psychological problems. And they strive to live, to learn about themselves, and be themselves, as hard as you do.

Thank you for reading. I’m sure they appreciate it.

Sexual Orientation: Uncertainty or Unacceptance

Issues & Debates, ,

This post is intended to be written without judgement and with all due respects to any and everyone. 

For the past two to three years, I have received more and more enquiries that are LGBT related. One of the “categories”, is people who contacted me for their family members, i.e. not the client who reaches me for his/her problem.

In the beginning, I always assume that it’s the client who seeks help, because they are unsure, because they want to be “normal” again, because of the anxiety and/or mood problems that arise with his/her sexuality. Or, on top of all those who have approached me for those reasons, it also occurs that their issues are completely not related to their sexuality, it’s just that they think I have worked with people of similar backgrounds to theirs so I’d understand them better and we will get along well (put it simple, they wouldn’t need to worry about being judged by me because of the variety of clients I have come across).

But then, there are also more and more who approached me for their family members. And it’s not because their family members have any problems listed above. I remember seeing this lady in her mid-twenties, alone, only she and I. She completed the depression/anxiety scales on the table, which were looking more normal than me, and told me she has no problem, nothing to discuss. She said she came because the mum told her to, and she doesn’t know why they want her to come (…?). I was like… “Okay, I will call your brother and mother in then”, since it was the brother who booked the appointment with me.

What happened next, it’s not difficult to guess. She recently came out to her family, and none of the members can accept it. They said she was confused, she was affected by her group of friends and especially her partner of 6 years, she has low self-esteem, she always daydreams about having a handsome boyfriend who treats her like a princess, she has no other experience in romantic relationship etc etc.

I looked at her when the family was telling me what’s “wrong”, she was rolling eyes. I won’t deny that I was rolling eyes inside as well. (okay, only inside, it’d be unprofessional to do it…….)

The family wanted me to change her “back”, to help them to convince her “back”. It’s possible that she’s confused, but I like what I recently wrote to someone who’s enquiring for her partner:

“From my point of view, this is not something that people choose (just like I’m a straight, but I didn’t choose to become a straight person, likewise to anyone in the LGBT community). So it’s unless when people are confused (which rarely happens, unless they are still quite young and found that they seem to be different from the rest), then such [sexual orientation test] tool might be used. If the person herself, in this case your girlfriend rather clearly knows what sex/gender or who she likes, then nobody knows better than her, not her family, not you, not me, not any psychologist.

I have seen many family who insist that their family member should see me, and found out that it was more of the family’s non-accepting issues, not the client him/herself that’s having problem. In cases like this, I normally do psychoeducation with the family, and to a smaller extend, also with the client. It is a journey of acceptance for the family, and this can take a long time, especially for some traditional parents. ”

Yes I believe the person knows it best, and nobody else shall question that. You can care about him/her and ask him/her about it, but not questioning or criticising or convincing etc. (Of course it can be very confusing for people who are too young, or people who thought they were straight or homosexual but in the end found that they could be bisexual, but remember that for all of us, it’s a journey of exploration, nothing should be “certified”, let’s just be open?)

Yes, I don’t think people choose their orientation, neither do I think that there’s right or wrong. It DEFINITELY is not a mental problem. It happens naturally, just like for any straight person. But people who aren’t straight go through a lot more doubtful thought and painful emotion due to the “norm” in the society. And that’s not their fault, we owe them more support and care, and less judgement and prejudice. There’s nothing wrong with them. Be kind, treat them like how you’d like to be treated.