I have been writing for so many years, but I think this is the first time I’m using the word “shrink” (a.k.a. psychiatrist)?

At the first glance the answer is obvious, of course! You are seeing a psychiatrist, what is the point of seeing one if you do not listen to his/her advice? Right?

I remember when I first started to practise, this lady Ms Ana told me that she no longer see Dr X, and was still regretting the advice he has given her, including leaving her job and boyfriend. I remember this very well, as she was my first few clients. And I remember in school we were taught not to make decision for our patients. So whenever possible, we guide them and provide them with good grounds to make informed decisions (whenever possible).

Two months ago, I came to know that an old client has decided to quit his college study. I know how much the boy loves and struggles to study (it was complicated given his backgrounds and childhood experience). The father didn’t agree, but the boy insisted that it’s a final decision. Few days later, the boy contacted me saying that he’d like to have an online session with me. I was hoping that this is what he would like to discuss – the decision of giving up study.

“That decision is final. I want to see you today to discuss my future options as I’m feeling a bit lost now” He made that clear from the beginning. But I brought the topic back, since his current problems of “feeling lost now” is completely related to this decision, and should be part of the considerations when making THE decision.

As I explored things with him, I came to realise that it’s his psychiatrist who told him that “If you don’t stop studying, your condition is going to be worse. You are going to be taking more and more medications. You should just stop now, you can’t handle the stress.” He told me he had to stop because of what he was advised.

I was surprised, immediately Ms Ana is in my mind. And that is another Dr X there, who is making life decision for his patient. Instead of showing the patient what options he has, he was telling him what to do without the next step. I don’t mean that this is a bad advice, I know this boy is under a lot of stress and he’s getting overwhelmed, but the decision is not his. He didn’t “own” the decision, he only thought that’s what he was told to do.

I quickly helped him to recall some other decision he has made based on the shrink’s and the mother’s advice, which he told me he has regretted some time ago. I told him that’s what going to happen some time later, “You are going to come back and tell me – I didn’t want to quit, but the shrink told me to do that! I paid the school fees! I love studying!” He was quiet, knowing that is true.

“He even told me that if one day I regret, I can go back to blame him.”

Of course you can go back to blame him, he doesn’t lose a hair from being blamed. But what about you? Your life change completely… Because of what he said.

There is always an easier path, which is quitting (giving up). Whatever you are doing right now that gives you a lot of stress, be it studying, working, exercising, running full marathon, HIIT, baking a birthday cake, getting a driving license, seeing someone romantically, raising a child etc, whatever I mean whatever, there is always another easier route – To QUIT. And you know what, it’s easier to advice anyone else to quit, to take the easier paths, because the paths laid ahead are easier to be taken (compare: prepare someone to take up a huge challenge vs prepare someone to stay relaxed and do nothing). But I often try not to do so, because I know once I do that, now s/he has someone who verified his/her decision to give up, a professional someone, completely valid and reasonable to give up now.

Each day this professional someone can give 10-20 advices like this, just so their patients get better mentally, experience less stress. It’s not wrong for them to do that, but you need to recognise that it’s your life, not theirs, they can ask 20 patients to give up their studies every day without feeling anything, but when your life is permanently transformed and your life history completely changed, you are the one who should be responsible for it, not anyone else, not even your parents. So be an adult and OWN your decision, you can listen to everyone else’s advice, but the final decision is yours, you can go back to blame them when you regret, but that’s not going to change the fact at all.