Category Archives: Issues & Debates

Are you one of the Judges on social medias?

In the News, Issues & Debates

I remember starting to create accounts on Facebook and Twitter during my Uni time in the UK and found it so great to be able to connect with some long-lost friends and those who are not by my side.

Since then, about 15 years have gone, I have stopped using my Facebook account, and only used my Twitter to record some work or personal significance events. Why? I realised that browsing the social medias took up so much time, and what’s more, I didn’t enjoy it, but back then, I was doing it almost compulsively (e.g. I must be browsing a few posts before I go to bed no matter how tired I was).

In the past few years and especially recent years, with the popular of social medias across almost all age groups, there have been more and more cyber bullying, which has led to different social issues.

Have you thought of why there have been so many self-harms and suicides these days?

You might think that it’s just some words, why are people taking it so personally? But have you heard of “words are sharper than swords”?

Words are sharper than sw... | Quotes & Writings by Balamurugan Selvaraj | YourQuote

What’s worse, is when everyone is thinking the same and adding a few more slashes on it, thinking that it doesn’t matter, thinking that this is freedom of speech, thinking that “I’m just expressing myself”. In addition, people don’t usually scroll through social medias in a calm and relaxed mood, quite often it’s when one’s waiting for something, or avoiding some emotional conflicts (“experiential avoidance“**), or is in some mild agitation or frustration, which is not noticeable immediately. Yet people often feel good after leaving such “smart” and “free” judgements. In a sense, their frustration, boredom, loneliness or anxiety gets to release by leaving comments of hatred, criticism, ridicule, defame etc. In another words, it’s rewarding to do so, the next time, they are more likely to conduct similar behaviour.

Honestly I’d like to think that humans are kind in general. But when I looked at those kinds of comments, I couldn’t see the kindness. I tried to look for reasons just so I can still think that humans are not that bad actually. Like for example, I guess many of them didn’t think about the consequences of those words, plus social medias often give us a sense of secrecy (like we are hiding behind the keyboards and do not need to be responsible), I guess if they knew their words can take lives away, they wouldn’t have done it. Or would they?

Next time before you defame, ridicule, criticise someone on social media, please consider:

  • Have you done anything wrong in your life? If you do, consider that you will not be allowed to explain for your wrongdoing, and do you deserve that kind of comments?
  • Do you know the whole story? Is it possible to know the full story just from one or two person’s post or from the news?
  • Do you know what this person is going through? Could it be that s/he is suffering from mental problems but couldn’t get the help s/he needed?
  • Will you say the same thing if the target is someone you love?
  • Is your comment going to make this world a better and more peaceful place?
  • Are you leaving the comments just so you are feeling better yourself? Do you know that you benefit yourself from hurting others?

**Experiential Avoidance: The attempts to avoid thoughts, feelings, memories, sensations, and other internal experiences, which usually leads to more harms and problems in the long-run. For those social media frequenters, I suggest that you try to notice how often when you’re feeling a little bored, frustrated, sad, disappointed, scared, worried, and your immediate response is turn to your phone, your social medias.

P.S. I have always wanted to write about this, but the intention became strongest after hearing what a support group member had to go through due to cyber bullying. I’m just glad she is still striving to stay alive despite what others have done to her.

NLP in Malaysia

Issues & Debates, Treatment Approaches, ,

I have intended to write about NLP (Neuro-Linguistic programme) since two years ago after quite a number of enquiries. But seriously, I don’t know where to start, because from day one, I believe NLP is a pseudoscience (according to Cover & Curd (1998) pseudoscience “consists of statements, beliefs, or practices that are claimed to be both scientific and factual but are incompatible with the scientific method”). And if you have followed my blog for a while, you might have noticed my very scientific and evidence-based stance.

Picture downloaded from http://www.pop.or.id/2017/08/what-is-nlp.html

The claims and assumptions in NLP mostly lack empirical support (you may read more here, there are also many other good papers studying NLP and their conclusions are quite similar). There is a lack of scientific interest in the field. But due to what they claim, it still attracts interests in people who might not care much about scientific and research evidence.

In Malaysia, I’ve met people who took course in NLP and are doing general life coaching. I also have had clients who came to me having previously coached by a NLP-based “therapist” (not sure what they call themselves). And this NLP is so popular in the business and corporate world. I suppose when people practice safely understanding their sphere of competency and professional ethical issues, they are helping people and not causing harms – as long as they aren’t claiming that they can be alternative medicine treating cancers or Parkinson’s disease, giving people false hopes.

For the general public, I’d say it depends on your stance. Sometimes I get clients who come to me who specifically want to be treated with CBT because of how much empirical support there is for CBT. On other times, people just approach me knowing I practice hypnotherapy, and want their bad memories being erased in hypnosis. It’s often good to read a bit more about the therapists and the approaches they practice, even better if you speak to them first before making any decision.

Every now and then, there is “new” psychotherapy or pseudotherapy in the markets (not in the field), that has no empirical support.

Would you just pop some pills that has no clinical trials run into your mouth every day?

Please don’t get defensive. Your first reaction might be “of course not!” But there is no right or wrong here. Like I said, it depends on your stance. The thing is, we all have probably done that, especially for those of us who come from more traditional Asian families. But, we can change that.

If given a choice, would you choose a treatment that has robust scientific and research evidence?

Picture taken from https://www.answers-in-reason.com/science/the-problem-with-pseudoscience/

In the News: Man Jailed for Attempted Suicide

Depression, In the News, Issues & Debates

Quite speechless with things like this still happening in Malaysia:

The Star: Jobless man jailed for trying to kill himself

Instead of providing any direct or indirect help needed, people are being jailed for attempting to end his or her life… I wonder what happens when this person is back in the society.

And what does this sentence serve? To warn people not to kill themselves, and if you really want to do it, make sure you don’t come out alive as you would be jailed?! (*Sarcasm* that really isn’t what I’m trying to say).

Please give yourself a second chance. Malaysia suicide hotlines:

The Befrienders
03-7956 8144/ 03-7956 8145
www.befrienders.org.my

Life Line Association Malaysia
03-4265 7995
http://lifeline.org.my/cn/

Agape Counselling Center Malaysia
03-7785 5955 / 03-7781 0800
http://www.agape.org.my

If you come across someone who’s suicidal: https://huibee.com/2020/05/somebody-you-know-is-suicidal/

To those who “found” homosexual family members:

Issues & Debates, , , ,

Please read slowly, take your time to think about it, and maybe come back again and again in a few days. If I am wrong, you can leave a message to correct me…

  • What kind of person, what gender, and which person does one like, are things that happen naturally, and in fact it is not one’s “choice”. We can’t choose the gender of the person we like, whether you’re heterosexual or homosexual, it’s not within your control. Think about your experience in the past, didn’t it simply happen naturally?
  • If you want him/her to change, please step into his/her shoes, imagine you want to force yourself to change your sexual orientation, what would happen? How’d you feel? Isn’t it painful?
  • You want him/her to be healthy and happy, right?
  • Adults without homosexual tendencies will not be deceived or pushed or influenced to become homosexual. (If that happens, it is probably because s/he was originally that way, but s/he was confused or could not face or be honest with him/herself, so in this case s/he was only pushed to become honest with him/herself and people around him/her).
  • Maybe s/he was not homosexual previously, maybe s/he had imagined her/himself marrying with the opposite sex since childhood, and even had been in a relationship with the opposite sex for a few or many years, but there are many people in this world who love “that person” instead of “the gender”. And the books, stories, cartoons, and people around us that we have contacted since childhood are almost all heterosexual, so those fantasies do not mean anything. Many people cannot accept that they are homosexuals, but choose to pretend to be so-called “normal people” (and many realised that’s even more painful).
  • Maybe you think your “common/usual” road is easier for him/her. So, do you want him/her to take a hard but happy road, or an easy but unhappy road?
  • Underlying your worry and advice, even anger and blame, are all concerns and love, because you know that road might be really difficult, on behalf of him or her, I’d like to say thank you. But no one has ever guaranteed that heterosexual relationships and marriage will be easier and happier. It is better to ask her/him to strengthen him/herself and improve his/her ability to deal with stress and cope with things, so that s/he can take this path that seems harder, so s/he is equiped with the ability to handle opinions and criticisms.
  • They told me that what others think about them is not important at all. For them, the most important person is you. Your approval and acceptance are more valuable than anything else. Every day, they are looking forward to the day when they can be honest with you.
  • Ask him/her to promise you: continue to explore and understand him/herself with a curious & open mindset, continue to grow and become more mature every day.
  • Ultimately, what you want most, is to see him being healthy and happy, right?
  • I want to tell you that if s/he had a choice, s/he’d also choose an easy way generally recognized by the society… But, have s/he had a choice?
  • I hope that you will be willing to learn and meet a wide variety of people in this world with a curious and open mind, meet them, learn about them them, get along with them, accept different people, and even like them. They are just different from you some way or the other, but they are not bad. Just because they are different from most people, it does not mean that they have psychological problems. And they strive to live, to learn about themselves, and be themselves, as hard as you do.

Thank you for reading. I’m sure they appreciate it.

電視劇《我們與惡的距離》

Issues & Debates, Review - books movies series, Schizophrenia & Psychotic Disorder, ,

最近因為新冠病毒和行動管制令，終於有時間看台灣這部拍得好寫實、令人好多感悟和痛心的10集電視劇《我們與惡的距離》。

這是過程中我有的一些很深很深的感觸和領悟（劇透，想看還沒看的話不要往下讀了）：

（一）：李媽說：“全天下沒有哪個父母要花二十年養成一個殺人犯！”我哭了好久。是的，兒子是個殺人犯，大家普遍都怪到父母身上，不能教養不要生，不能照顧培育不要生… 可是也用一樣的教養方式，為什麼妹妹曉文反而堅強不屈？真的都只能怪到父母身上嗎？

我甚至在想，身為一名心理咨詢師，要是我的孩子犯了大錯（或也一樣成了殺人犯），社會會放過我嗎？社會本來就對特定職業人群有特別的要求，如老師、醫生、藝人、政治家等。這其實也沒錯，可是有時，有些父母悉心照料，有些父母工作繁忙（像Johor的蠻多孩子都是祖父母養大的，因為父母都去新加坡了），有些父母每天吵架暴力，有些父母爛賭酗酒（讓我想起有個患者的爸爸，問她為什麼還不死？她死了他也不會傷心，反而會開心再也不用給她錢了）… 可是不是每個酗酒的父母的孩子都長成一個樣，更不是每個悉心栽培的都成功養出龍鳳，不是嗎？我不是要允許父母推卸責任。可是就像在五六十年代，你的孩子要是精神分裂（思覺失調），母親肯定要被怪罪的。可是後來已經發現並不是這樣的啊… 沒有單一的原因的嘛。

（二）你或許是受害者的家屬，也就是受害者了，但那不代表你可以“替天行道”懲罰加害者和其家屬。李小明被處決後，喬安姐決定派攝影團隊跟蹤大芝，那一刻，我真的無法接受。因為我以為喬安終於可以放下了，不懷恨地諒解大芝為何辭職，甚至以為兩人可以坐下好好聊聊。她那麼做的當下，真的把我搞崩潰了。（是自己太天真，導致落差太大，抽離不出來）

當天夜裡，看完那集後，我寫下“無論你多恨一個人，你也不能傷害對方和他的家屬”。我希望自己記住這點。尤其大芝其實也是事件中的受害者之一，憑什麼她什麼也沒做錯卻被如此對待。受害者家屬或許還可以理解，更甚的是那些完全事不關己啃著瓜子的網民、媒體、大眾，人人都在補刀撒鹽………

（三）這就把我帶到第三點：加害者的家屬。我們從來沒有站在加害者的家屬的角度去看待事情對嗎？我們一直、一直都只在關注受害者和家屬的失去、悲痛。家人被殺害確實太可憐。可我認為，這部劇拍得最好的地方，就在於允許觀眾以加害者家屬的角度去體驗、承受。他們也真的很可憐。而如果像劇中最後，加害者家屬與受害者家屬能那樣坐下來面對和發洩，那其實真的很好很好（這要是真的，會讓我很羨慕台灣）。對雙方而言，那需要多大的勇氣和心胸…

（四）其實這部劇的重點，都是透過媒體傳達的。我倒沒有什麼要多說的，台灣媒體的整體型態，似乎已經是個“病態”很久很久了，久得人民也或許習慣，而也又愛又恨。媒體的責任其實真的很大，外加現在還有網民………. 人人都能當法官判罪！感覺“很棒”，不是嗎？

（五）最後來到我的重點：精神疾病。患有精神疾病的人，包括思覺失調 (Schizophrenia) 或躁鬱症 (Bipolar disorder) 的人，都不比常人更容易有暴力行為。請你把我的上一個句子，再看一遍。他們傷害他人的機率，並不比你我傷害他人的機率來得高（他們其實因為長期吃藥、患病的壓力、幻聽或抑鬱等因素，比常人更可能傷害自己）。可是過去的電影、電視劇、報章等，都愛把他們和暴力或變態行為相連…

而剛巧，我在提筆之前，看到這則台灣新聞：要求复合遭拒绝‧男子砍伤15岁少女获刑。文中提到“律师辩护曾男有强迫症、焦虑症等精神疾病，有到医院就诊纪录，但却并未按时服”。我了解在大部分國家，患有精神疾病的人如果犯了什麼，都會受到一定的保護，或許被就醫治療，或許被判處的刑法會較輕。而我不知道各位律師是不是就因為這樣，可以“總是用”（我說的誇張了哈）精神疾病來辯護。這樣呈現在媒體中，感覺上像是“患有強迫症、焦慮症的人會砍人”，不是嗎？？？………… 狗屁不通！！！是的，患有思覺失調或妄想症的人，可能出現幻覺 hallucination、妄想 delusion（像劇里的思聰，幻聽是他聽到的聲音的部分，妄想是他老懷疑別人偷拍竊聽他等），有時會分不清哪個真實哪個是幻覺，有時會自言自語，或在他人無法理解的情況下而變得很抓狂(／frustrated)。像我的一些患者，會聽見聲音叫他去死，去跳樓等。可是如果你用“強迫症”、“焦慮症”，這真的真的太離譜了。我可以建議各位律師的是：給專家評估邊沿型人格障礙… 或一些較少見的人格障礙等。也真的希望媒體努力把一些錯誤的信息糾正過來，畢竟這也是你們的責任之一。

Aid-in-Living & Aid-in-Dying

Depression, Issues & Debates, Treatment Approaches

I talked about Euthanasia (or “mercy killing”) about two years ago. This is from Wikipedia about the Act in Netherlands,

[…] euthanasia and physician-assisted suicide are not punishable if the attending physician acts in accordance with criteria of due care. These criteria concern the patient’s request, the patient’s suffering (unbearable and hopeless), the information provided to the patient, the absence of reasonable alternatives, consultation of another physician and the applied method of ending life.

– Euthanasia in Netherlands

It doesn’t just apply to physical illness, but also mental issues, as long as the criteria (including those abovementioneds and some other) are fulfilled.

Whereas in the state of Oregon, they have Oregon’s Death and Dignity Act (ODDA). The decision will be assessed by at least two qualified psychologist or psychiatrist, that the person is capable of making such decision and to rule out impaired judgement due to psychiatric illness. In other words, people who suffer from psychiatric or psychological illness will be denied of this aid-in-dying, because the illness can cause impaired judgement.

The interesting thing is, when asked, most psychologists and psychiatrists said they are not qualified to complete this death-with-dignity evaluation (1/3), or they will refuse or refer to another colleague (53%).

I mean… psychiatrists and psychologists are trained to prevent suicide (talking about us therapists and clinical psychologists). Doesn’t this Act put clinicians in the Oregon state in a very awkward position, if s/he is called upon to carry out the assessment? They would be thrust into a position of being part of this physician-assisted-suicide…

But then the other thing is also that I always believe that any chronic illnesses, especially those that grow in severity over time, if nothing is done to them, will quite often lead to depression. Be it mental, like suffering from OCD for 15 years or more or Panic Disorder for few months or more, or physical illness like arthritis or cancer, we see that people’s emotional wellbeing and quality of life can really deteriorate over time. So how about the chances of the person having quite severe clinical depression, and hence they will be denied of the aid (in Oregon but not in Netherlands)? Wouldn’t this apply to most if not all of the people who’re requesting for the aid?

In Malaysia “active” euthanasia is strictly illegal. But we’ve heard about animals being euthanised by the vets, by the state governments, by some animal societies etc. The restriction isn’t much (if any), the decision doesn’t seem as difficult (surely still very difficult if it’s by a pet owner but still incomparable to that of a human’s)… Why? Especially when humans decide to do that, most of the time, isn’t it for the benefits of ourselves? (governments can’t let the stray pass the disease, owner can’t see their pets suffer or no longer able to look after it etc).

Please give yourself a second chance. Malaysia suicide hotlines:

The Befrienders
03-7956 8144/ 03-7956 8145
www.befrienders.org.my

Life Line Association Malaysia
03-4265 7995
http://lifeline.org.my/cn/

Agape Counselling Center Malaysia
03-7785 5955 / 03-7781 0800
http://www.agape.org.my