Monthly Archives: April 2022

So what??

Basic & General, Treatment Approaches, ,

What is your first reaction when I say a “So what?” attitude?

Was your reaction quite negative or positive? (Assuming that it can’t be totally neutral)

What if I say, it’s an attitude the grandfather of cognitive therapy, Albert Ellis, said we shall all adopt? Yes, he said we shall all live with a “So What?” attitude.

What do you think?

(I started all 4 paragraphs with the letter “W”, so what?)

I can’t do this, so what?

I look so anxious, so what?

I can’t sleep, so what?

I failed my exam, so what?

Nobody likes me, so what?

What do you think? How would you benefit from adopting such an attitude?

I might not benefit from it, so what?

Seeing clients and students in the west (including those Asians who have lived in the west) vs those who live in Asia (mainly Chinese, Malaysians, South East Asians), I noticed that the first receipt of such an attitude can be quite different, although eventually all accept it and see and experience how much they benefit from having such a “I don’t care” attitude.

But for many Chinese and Asians, their first reaction is almost like, “this is rude”, “this is not what I would do”, “this is wrong”, “this is not part of our cultures/values” etc

Of course we are not talking about people should not care about their life, their studies, their family, their hygiene, their job etc. But it’s when you care too much and it doesn’t help (and often this care makes things worse). This is especially so in social situation and interaction. We worry too much about what others might think, how we look like, we stop being in our experience and connecting with the environment and the world because we focus internally worrying too much.

Try to apply the lens of “so what” in your social interaction and see how it goes?

Movie: Just Mercy (2019)

Review - books movies series

I’d say anyone who cares about Justice should watch this. A great movie based on true story, taking you on an emotional roller-coaster, and looking at lives of people with colour living in Alabama.

Just Mercy (2019), directed and written by Destin Daniel Cretton

Couple of my favourite quotes, the first is by the Harvard graduate attorney Brian Stevenson, who is the main character of this film and the person who worked his ass off to make changes for many including Walter Johnny B McMillan who was sentenced to death for the notorious murder of a 18 year old white girl (which is the main case of this movie):

Through this work, I’ve learned that each of us is more than the worst thing that we’ve ever done; that the opposite of poverty isn’t wealth, the opposite of poverty is justice; that the character of our nation isn’t reflected on how we treat the rich and the privileged, but how we treat the poor, the disfavoured, and condemned.

And this second quote is from someone who was on death row for 30 years for a crime that he did not commit, eventually Stevenson got him out of jail:

You know what they said to me when they pulled me over… one of you niggers did it and… if you didn’t then you’re taking one for your homies

I have to admit that this resonates well with a lot of things I’ve been doing recently in the school, “fighting against” the majority for the minorities who are from the lower socio-economic, people of colour, LGBTQ+. It reminds me about how changes can be hard, and how we can’t just give up because we failed the first, second or third times, how it takes time and sometimes we have to do it even if we might not see what we want to see during our life time. Because someone, somewhere, have to start, sooner than later.

Striving in reality

Basic & General, Issues & Debates

He told me he’s jealous of those kids whose parents can afford to let them go any school they want, including top universities in the world, the parents just need to “make some donations” and then the kids are there attending those schools.

“I worked my ass off to be here. Them? They are here because they were born into a rich family. So privileged”

Likewise, another girl told me “my roommate just flew back home last night, why? Because she misses home. That’s so rotten spoilt. I wouldn’t do that, but I’d like to have that option. But no I don’t. I miss my mum a lot, and I’m still here.”

Indeed, what we really want, is that freedom to choose, but often we don’t. It’s when we don’t have options that we work very hard, that we are always ready for any opportunities, that we fully utilise whatever we have, that we maximise our potentials, don’t we?

Maybe not having the options means we are living a fuller life, compared to those who grow up in a very well-protected environment, always have the privileges to choose, and can have a very laid-back life (should they wish)? Often they are kind of fragile, they don’t take up challenges and can’t respond to setback well. They are mostly in their comfort zone all their lives. Obviously this doesn’t apply to everyone born into that kind of family. But try to notice people around you, did you observe any pattern?

Yet this is reality. This means you are fully living, trying, learning, striving, maximising your ability and every cells. Isn’t this a life worth living, a lot more than a life you are given most of your needs and wants? Doesn’t it feel great when you work your ass off to achieve your goals? Doesn’t this make you a stronger and greater person too?

Who knows if you were born into that family and had all these options, you would be “spoilt rotten” and wouldn’t make any great choice and fully living like you do now?

Maybe you think I’m just trying to make you feel better. But this is observed in many places in the world, when a certain minority group is being deprived for some resources or opportunities (options), they try and strive harder, they become stronger and greater. This can be a certain ethnicity, gender identity, socio-economic class, differently-abled persons etc.. Any group of people really.

In the end he told me, “yeah! Maybe that’s true. I noticed most of the people who received the scholarships last year were those LGBTQ+, even when they don’t publicly announce it, but I guess inside, they are stronger like you said living unlike the cisgender, it’s hard, you know. But yeah they can achieve greater things”